Me, as of a few seconds ago. Looking (and especially feeling)...
Me, as of a few seconds ago. Looking (and especially feeling) far more human as the days progress. I'll try to log in again soon, but right now I'm focusing on getting my strength back and getting 'er done in general. Again, thank you all for being so fucking nice - Even if I don't know most of you IRL, it's still super touching to come back here to a barrage of love and well-wishes. Thank you. <3
Throwing up the shocker after getting home from having my...
Throwing up the shocker after getting home from having my stitches removed. Incidentally, it's really hard to give a fuck about hair and makeup when you just had brain surgery. Who knew?
November 21st - Stitches are out! Yay!
November 21st - Stitches are out! Yay!
My scar, November 20th. Already looking a shit-ton better.
My scar, November 20th. Already looking a shit-ton better.
This is yours truly, one day after i got home from the hospital,...
This is yours truly, one day after i got home from the hospital, with a ridiculously swollen neck.
TUMBLR OMG. it's me, muffin. i know it's been ages,...
TUMBLR OMG.
it's me, muffin. i know it's been ages, but i've been getting all of your super amazing messages, and i think you're all so fucking sweet. sorry i haven't made it back on before now, but things have been, er… busy to say the least.
sorry for the super-graphic picture, but that's the back of my fucking head two weeks ago. there's a few more pictures coming, other gross ones, some a bit less gross. i FINALLY had my fucking Chiari Malformation decompression surgery this past November 7th (the Canadian healthcare system is slow as fuck, but it does work.) the surgery lasted about 4 1/2 hours, and i got a portion of my skull permanently removed at the foramen magnum, i had a patch sewn and glued into my dura mater and i had my C1 lamina shaved down to create more space for my giant fucking brain.
this is easily the hardest, most traumatic thing i have ever done. the recovery has been fucking grueling, but i can say that so far, it looks like it's going to be worth it. i'm still healing, and will be for months to come, but a lot of my symptoms have already improved, or even kind of went away. i'm still coming to terms with that, it feels too good to be true. everything has been surreal, it still is and it's going to be for some time.
i'm okay though. this is just a really weird time in my life. i just wanted to let you know that i'm alive and well and healing and strange. thank you for being the bee's knees. <3
okay, more pics in a few seconds.
xxoo
SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS, TUMBLR. APPARENTLY IT'S BEEN FOUR AND...
SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS, TUMBLR. APPARENTLY IT'S BEEN FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS SINCE I'VE POSTED AND I HAVE A GROSS TAN AND I'M SWEATY AND RED AND MY HAIR IS SUPER LONG AND FUZZY. THAT'S WHY I'M WRITING IN CAPS.
i just wanted to pop in to tell you all that i'm not dead! and also to thank you all for your metric shit-ton of super nice comments while i've been away from here, you're all pretty awesome, you know…
i have some good news, finally! i'm still having problems even believing that i have good news, i'm not used to them anymore!
this past tuesday, i have officially met my neurosurgeon, who was kind and nice and convinced that Chiari Malformation and my small syrinx are the cause of my issues, and he wants to operate! in about two months! which means that i'll get a posterior fossa decompression with dural graft and C1 laminectomy, which are all fancy words that i'll explain in a minute!
they will cut an incision on the back of my head (about 5-6 cm in length), spread the muscles, and using a small drill, enlarge the hole at the base of the neck to widen the space where my sagging brains have drooped, and to stop them from crushing my brain stem and cutting off the cerebrospinal fluid flow. then, to make even more room, they'll shave a segment off of my C1 vertebrae, to thin it out a bit. they'll cut my dura mater, stick a patch on the cut and then sew it back tight, to make even MOAR room back there, for my super-fat brain bits. just typing this out sounds so comfortable for my poor exploding head and neck that i'm almost crying tears of joy, you guys. i'm not even being sarcastic here, either! after all that, they'll staple my head back together, and then a pretty grueling recovery begins, both for the actual surgery trauma but especially for the garbage that my body's been through in the last year and a half. the suddenly-created space should also stop feeding the syrinx (which is a hole inside my spinal cord) which means if all goes well, it'll collapse and the pain and horrible feelings in my entire upper body should get better over time.
the surgery is primarily to stop the progression of the conditions i have (because they do progress, those fuckers!) but in a lot of cases, sufferers see a reversal in symptoms, from a mild difference to "holy-shit-it's-like-i've-never-been-sick-at-all." a small percentage of people get worse though, but it is a pretty small bunch. other people (another small-ish number, thank jebus) end up requiring a shunt because their heads start producing way too much cerebrospinal fluid, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there, if ever we get there at all.
it's scary shit to be facing at 29 years of age, but i don't have much of a choice. there are no alternatives to surgery for this condition, and if i don't do anything now, i have trouble imagining how the hell i'll be like in another year. so yeah, i'm forging ahead with the operation, i'm kind of excited about it, to a degree. i really do want to try to get my life back.
i don't know when the hell i'll be back on here, almost all of my energy is currently going towards doing the absolute basics, but i do read what you write, and it makes me feel pretty awesome, even if i don't pop back in for a while. thank you all ever so much for the e-love, it's been a great help in me staying somewhat sane throughout all this.
i'll try to update with more info closer to surgery (i'm going for pre-op stuff at the end of july, and then i'll only know my operation date 7 to 10 days beforehand and even then i might get rebooked later if there's an emergency, that's how these things work), but again, thank you so much for being so nice to me! :)
<3 <3 <3 for now!
tumblr! i'm not dead, i'm just fucking ill! at...
tumblr! i'm not dead, i'm just fucking ill! at least now, my awesome new neurologist managed to find out why i've been suffering an insane amount of pain and strange symptoms for now a year and two months of my life.
my official diagnosis is Chiari Malformation Type 1 with Syringomyelia. long story short, the back of my brain has slipped through the opening at the base of my skull and is clogging the hole to the extent that cerebrospinal fluid can't flow properly in that area, and I now have a cyst (called a syrinx) of brain-juice growing inside my spinal cord, which is destroying part of my spinal cord and causing nerve damage. i've had a syrinx since this ordeal started, but everyone except this new neurologist had missed it so far. i am living a mixture of extreme happiness and profound terror right now, but at least i'm glad my pain now has a name, you know? the worst part is that i was apparently born this way, but head trauma in early 2007 started to further slump my brain until it became problematic, and then a syrinx slowly formed, until i woke up in pain one morning. fucked up, uhn? i basically had a bomb ready to go off in my head all this time… O_o
here are some links, for your reading displeasure:
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/syringomyelia/detail_syringomyelia.htm
http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/chiari/detail_chiari.htm
i am now being referred to a neurosurgeon. a syrinx will continue to cause debilitating neurological problems until it basically paralyses you, so i need to have brain surgery. the procedure is basically as follows:
they go in through an incision in your neck, cut a piece of bone off at the base of your skull about the size of a human thumb (to make the foramen magnum larger so it stops squishing the brain bits) and then most likely open up the dura mater, sew a patch on there to give additional room to the cerebellum, and also sometimes remove a part of the cerebellum if they deem it's too large. they don't have to touch the syrinx since the lack of room in your head is causing it, so by fixing the source of the problem the syrinx will stop growing and eventually shrink on its own. then they staple your head back up and you're on your ass for a while, until you go for rehabiliation to try to get your strength back. you're also left with an awesome scar.
this means that updating on here will be sporadic at best until i can get this all resolved, and here in Canada, surgery wait times can be ridiculous. my neurologist thinks that everything could potentially be said and done within the next 6 months, but we'll see. i also plan on creating a blog to catalog my experience with this not-super-common condition, the lack of ressources in Canada for Chiari and Syringomyelia is downright embarrassing. i'll post the link on here when i get around to creating it.
alright, i'm off to bed, but i'll be back hopefully soon. i hope everyone here is good and healthy and happy! lots of chubby-lady kisses, tumblr! <3
last one of the evening! i plan on getting of the intertubes...
last one of the evening! i plan on getting of the intertubes and going to attempt a similar pose in my bed, except i'll be passed out and i'll be drooling on my pillow instead. good night, tumblrers! i'll try to pop back in soon (maybe with pics of the start of my new ink) but no promises! take care, will ya?
<3
not too pleased with the light on this one, but the pose was...
not too pleased with the light on this one, but the pose was good! :)
fact: the stay puft marshmallow man is totally a FA. look at...
fact: the stay puft marshmallow man is totally a FA. look at him! that's glee if i've ever seen it. well, now you know!
some more ass!
some more ass!
as a heads up: i have not had any time to wade through my ask...
as a heads up: i have not had any time to wade through my ask box, it's a cluttered mess in there… so yeah, if you've asked something and i haven't answered, sorry! i hope that before 2013 i'll get to it. D:
:)
:)
oh, just me and my pit hair, hanging out…
oh, just me and my pit hair, hanging out…
hand bra!
hand bra!
ta-daaaa! :P
ta-daaaa! :P
fun fact: i have had these panties for a little over 7 years. ...
fun fact: i have had these panties for a little over 7 years. at $4 originally, i think they were a good investment!
Photo
:D
:D
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